I was a fat kid. In fact, I was a fat teenager and a fat young adult. But I was pretty lucky growing up in the fact that I was blessed with a sense of humor that allowed me to make many friends and deflect some of the negativity. Sure, I was teased, but in hindsight, it was stupid and rare.

At about twenty-one, I started working out and eating less, and better, and I dropped a shit-load of weight. Almost eight years have passed now, and I have what a lot of my friends consider to be a pretty healthy lifestyle. I work out at least four times a week, box, run, hike when I can, and pay good attention to what I eat. Also I am very proud of myself for having accomplished such a revolutionary change. However, the mental issue lingers, in that I can't help always first seeing the flaws that still exist on my body. Of course I know that I am more than just my body, but I'm not so sure that the mirror knows that.

I know the stem of it. It's a moment shopping with my mom oh so many years ago. She said to me, "Angel, you need to lose weight. No one is ever gonna love you looking like that." The words shook me and stayed burned into my head with every new guy or friend that tried to enter my life. Now about two years ago, I brought this up with my mom, and we made amends on the whole thing and let it go. I mean, she didn't even remember saying it, and I am sure at the time when she did, it probably was said with the intentions of her wanting to help me. Whatever the case, it was all forgiven. However, with forgiveness does not always come forgetfulness. So I am trying now to forget those words every time I see myself in the mirror. And though the thought no longer plagues me, I see now how it has affected me.

It's in the mirror when I am doing my hair. I like to play with it. I mean, like every little strand, till it looks right. It's not OCD or anything, though I am sure some of my friends would disagree. But I know when to say when. And at least I know that it is annoying, and I'm aware of it. It just comes from this need to over-accentuate one attribute in hopes of deterring from another. Which is completely unnecessary, but I am still working it all out. And I am only learning this now as I reach the final year of my twenties. I think it is because I am finally learning to really love and accept the man that I am. There are changes to be made, but they all come with time, so I have to be patient with the universe and with me. Time goes by...so slowly, the song goes.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't have a completely disturbed image of myself. I do think that I'm pretty cute and can smile at myself no problem. But it's just in those frail moments, when the words ring out in my head and I am back at the Mervyns fitting room mirror, age ten, that I have to check myself. And it's then that I do see myself and go, "Well, you may not be where you want to be just yet on the road, but you've come a long way." And I am proud.

And then I eat a cookie.

What about it?