A good friend sat with me at Cha Cha last night as I attempted to dissect the ways of my heart and the actions of my mind. How is it that I find myself repeating history so vainly? I can't quite grasp why I am so consistent in my desire to find love when it's not there in front of me. Is it something that I ate perhaps, or a deficiency left over from childhood? Regardless, it's a plague on my psyche, and I can't continue to leave potholes where longing thoughts have been. There's a lot to focus my passion on right now. So focus!

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" I asked Becky this and explained to her how a part of me did, and how the other part of me berated that first part for being such a loser. She understood and said that for some people it is possible and for others probably not. "I think it's possible for someone like you." But it doesn't have to be like in the movies - there are variations on it. Can we customize "love at first sight" now the way we get online and customize a Nike?

I know I have discussed this topic before here in this blog, and I have sworn off discussing love in this blog before too, but it doesn't just vanish from my life as I stupidly want it to sometimes. Because I still date and make out with people and for me, the inevitable question is, "Will this lead to something more?" For a lot of gay men, it appears that thought is mutant. Most wonder, "Am I gonna be able to hit that again BEFORE he wants a relationship?" I know there are exceptions, but I guess I have only dated half of them and it hasn't really worked out. And looking for the other half is a waste of time. Because when I least expect it, he is going to find me. He being love. And I will probably hate him and wish him away. Cuz that's what I hear happens when you fall in love.

So, the purging is done. I can go back to my regularly scheduled life, already in progress. Work is going well and holds promise. Creativity is creeping back in. My friends kick ass. And the air is turning chill.

Now, who's gonna help keep me warm at night?

Just kidding.

What about it?