"Well, the little strip never lies, Angel. It looks like you're pregnant."

"Great. I'm pregnant and I have the flu?"

"That too."

This was yesterday at Dr. Ando's after one of the most grueling mornings of sickness I have ever experienced. Tuesday, I was sent home from work cause the boss said I didn't sound too good. I figured it was a cold coming on, so I went to Whole Foods and picked up all one needs for a glamorous day in - organic soup and kombucha. No worries. I would be back to work tomorrow.

Then it was 4 AM Wednesday morning. Funny, I have found myself waking up at this time randomly for the past couple of months, but it was never a painful experience until now. Aches and coughing and a headache that could induce tears. Needless to say, the glamour was done.

Amazingly, my mom came yesterday and got all maternal on my ass. Took me to my doctor and to the grocery store. Bought me a juice. Ran an errand. And all the while, we chatted and laughed and I remembered just how great it is to be with her. She was actually really surprised to see me so sick. She said even when I was little, I never got sick. And she didn't remember me being this sick ever. It's so odd to me. I mean, why now?

I've been studying all about the law of attraction lately. My mom and I were talking about it yesterday. She said, "So I attract your dad's asshole behavior?" I laughed. "Well, the same way I attracted this flu." And laying in bed last night, doped up on vicodin and fading in and out of the Golden Girls (best for sick days), I wondered about why now. What was going on that I needed to be shoved away from the world and forced to cough up mucus stocked up from college. I had said last week I needed some time off, but feverish sweating through naps isn't what I had in mind. So what is it?

Well, a few things fly for me. One is that I have been all about getting healthy. Upping my workouts and protein shakes and eating well. Trying to get my body into top form. Yet, I also have been going out drinking a lot and smoking other people's cigarettes. Kinda contradictory. And bound to catch up with me. Also, I have not been sleeping well lately, and I have been practically praying for some good rest. Well, last night I had eight hours uninterrupted. It was awe-inspiring. And today, though still sick, I am much better.

Still, sickness sucks.

But I am Mr. Brightside. So for me, it's an opportunity to lay back, reconcile my body's substance trespasses, and to breathe deep. I'm catching up on movies and reading. And writing. And just spending time with me. Which never gets old. Though less body ache would suffice, I am grateful for the last couple of days. The things I miss about my daily routine are what I realize I am most passionate about. And I know my body can be strong and healthy. And that I have the power to make it so.

And that my mom is awesome.

And that I REALLY need to own more than two seasons of The Golden Girls on DVD.

What do you think?

"People aren't walking around thinking, 'I want a bad thing to happen to me,' but there's an unconscious fear. There's a doubt. There's a worry. There's a sense of separation there that's running them. So spiritual growth is allowing that which is unconscious to become conscious. It does not mean religion but our real identity. The love, the peace, the joy, the wisdom, the harmony—these are all qualities of the spirit that it's seeking to express through us. And so as we become more awake, more aware of that, our life is filled with that kind of vibration, that kind of feeling tone. To grow spiritually is to actually become more aware of who you really are."

-Dr. Michael Beckwith

And now back to our regular programming.



Oh wait. And this:








I mean...

What do you think?

I am beginning to understand the law of attraction now.

How brilliant it is - how powerful. How everything we think and feel about ourselves generates the next moments of our lives. How if we feel we always have bad luck dating, then we'll always have some bad luck dating. And if we see ourselves ten pounds overweight, then that's exactly where we stay.

However, changing that is all so easy. It's just changing your mind. And choosing to see yourself as better and believing that.

I know it's simple in words, but not entirely in existence.

Listen to your thoughts for a day and be wondered by how much our voices are stuck on repeat. How much we keep ourselves down. How tiny little phrases can affect our feelings.

It's maddening.

I've seen people walking in circles right before my eyes, and I wish them well. And I have certainly seen it in my very own mirror.

Well that mirror is shattered now. And there is no such thing as bad luck.

I am all about elevation these days.

Visualization.

Manifestation.

Won't you ride the train with me?

What do you think?

So, by now the big news story of the day is Anna Nicole Smith's passing. It is rather sad, in the sense that it's sad when anyone young dies before their time. And what a crazy ass legacy to leave behind. It's some strange sort of American gothic tale that has spun from her life. Some people I know are feeling really bad about it, which I don't mock. I must ponder it, and I wonder if there is some form of unconscious guilt that lies beneath it. I mean, here is someone that we all snickered at for so many years. Who most never really took seriously. And now she's dead from an apparent suicide brought on by the very demons that caused her laughable actions. The sadness comes from how the celebrity-obsessed media really plays a role in this.

It's shocking to us that someone we imagined would always be on the gossip sites as daily fodder is dead. It blunts us to our reality. I obviosuly never met Anna Nicole Smith, and I really just know the bare bones of her story. But I imagine her story will go down as a new Hollywood legend.

And the gossip bloggers will just have to focus all of their energy on demonizing poor Britney now.

xo xo xo

Did anyone see Oprah today? OK, amazing. I actually tuned in like twenty minutes in, but she had these people on talking about The Secret, a "make your life better" book and dvd. And the Reverend Michael Beckwith from Agape, where I have been known to go on rare occasion, was on.

Anyhow, the gist was ASK - BELIEVE - RECEIVE.

That is the secret.

It's like, really? That's a secret?

But this one woman spoke of how it is the believing that really gets in our way. Because we get in the way of ourselves. We base our belief in getting what we want out of fear - we ask for things because we're afraid that if we don't get them, our lives will end. "Please let me get that money, or else I just won't make it this month." And then we don't because our belief system has already put our lives into repeat mode. So instead, we must ask from the necessity of our greater good. That the money or the boyfriend or the shiny new car will help us be better versions of ourselves, and therefore be better contributors to society. And then we must believe that what we ask for is ours already. Done. Leave it alone.

Now does a video Ipod fit into this equation at all? I don't know.

But I do know something clicked for me with it all. It's focusing our energy and where we focus it to that matters and creates our life. Really, my explanation up above is not as good as the show presented it. I mean, it's Oprah. She can explain it all better. If you got it on Tivo or know someone who does, watch it.

I just know that when one lady spoke of how she wrote down long ago that she would one day be on Oprah, sharing her words, and now there she was doing just that, I lost my shit.

I live for shit like that. Dreams coming true makes me happy.

xo xo xo

Finally, the new Bloc Party cd, A Weekend In The City, just came out this week. Though I don't love it right off the bat like I did Silent Alarm, I am still finding it pretty remarkable. There are some truly beautiful songs on it that really resonate for me, especially now that the lead singer is an out gay man. Please download "On" right away for proof of their loveliness.

OK. I'm out for today.

What do you think?

ARIES (March 21–April 19): Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! On this lovers' holiday, let's see what we can do to purge some of your old romantic karma. With a cleaner slate, you'll be freer to create the kind of love you really want in the future. To begin, write a list of the worst sins you've committed against your ex-intimates. Include behavior that was ignorant, cruel, or unconscious. Next, think of atonements you might make for the hurtful things you did. For instance, you could send your ex an "I'm sorry for the craziness our relationship caused you" letter. Finally, Aries, forgive yourself of your errors.

My horoscope this week, so here it goes.

In the past, I have communicated poorly. I've been selfish. I've been unconsciously mean. I've said no out of stubborness or fear when I could have very easily said yes. I've also said yes and lied. I've judged. I said I liked something when I didn't. And at times, I didn't try very hard. I have hurt feelings and felt okay about it the next day. And I have lost friends because of it.

I've been incredibly human. Cruel and unaware.

So, it's time to attone.

I don't necessarily think that going back is the answer. So from now on, if fear comes up, I must face it head on. If my emotions get the best of me or try to allude me, I can take a deep breath and remember that they are not me.

And I can stop attaching the past to every new experience and relationship. I can welcome the new with eyes open and face forward.

I can move on.

I can forgive myself for holding on. Forgive myself for not finding myself good enough. And forgive myself for being such a jerk. And liking other jerks so much.

I forgive myself of my errors.

I think that it's time.

What do you think?

I found this picture online, and I thought it was sort of endearing as the V-Day approaches.

Only in Silverlake, right?


Driving home one night this weekend, it hit me that the holiday is coming, and I will once again be sans Valentine this year. Now in the past, this realization has reduced me to sheer panic and depression. And I have certainly made some hasty dates in the past because of it. It's even been spent before sitting at home alone idly with cookies, some vodka, and Sex and The City. But thinking of it this time in the car, I sort of just went, "Oh well. It ain't no thing." Of course that was followed by my new mantra, "It is what it is." Could it be that I am actually growing less bitter in my old age?

I mean, having the right man in my life could be extraordinary. And I am pretty clear on who that is (not by name, but by idea). However, it's okay to be single. Sure, at times I am dumbfouded by the whole "single" thing. And at other times, I am celebratory. But there's no way to manipulate it to make sense. It's just a waste of energy to be all negative.

So I am going to forgo the whole, "It's just some fabricated holiday and it means nothing" argument, cause that's not how I feel. First off, it's one of my best friend's birthdays, so it's already a day of gratitude for me. But I also think back to when I was young, and every year, my mom would give me and my sisters a Valentine's Day card and a present. And it was just about her saying, "I love you". And taking a day out for that is all kinds of good in my book.

I got lots of people to love.

So, there will be no dinner reservation come Wednesday. No flowers or mix CD. But at least I know that my heart isn't lost anywhere. And I know that it's not been broken. I mean, it may be a bit tattered around the edges, and it may even have a scar here or there. But it's still beating strong despite all the trauma. And it's all juicy full of some serious love.

Now who's down for some Ketel sodas, oatmeal cookies, and Carrie Bradshaw?

What do you think?

Such an amazing day.

Great group meeting with my writing crew. Everyone is doing such fantastic work! And I am having some breatkthroughs with my work that are incredibly exciting. Which of course sets me off into having amazing breakthroughs with life. Really seeing myself in my characters now. And understanding parts of me that had once seemed forbidden to pay attention to.

I can't deny parts of who I am.

Being in touch wholly with yourself really allows you to feel free with the moment.

Walking home on this balmy February night, I was listening to Imogen Heap sing an acoustic version of "Let Go". And the sound of her voice and the way with her words just got to me. I hold tension like a cactus does water. I retain. And it's no good. It keeps me biting my nails. It keeps me hooked on morbidity. Sure I can get random and end up rolling around with laughter. But the cage finds its way to lock quick. And I succumb back to being on call twenty-four-seven with my emotions. I mean, what is that?

"There's beauty in the breakdown."

So I am waging war with my sticky past. I am bearing arms against my issues. We gon's fight. Cause I am tired of feeling repetitive with my life. I am certainly tired of biting my nails.

My script is about moving on.

I think I'm trying to tell myself something.

What do you think?