In about two months, I will be thirty.

I know to some it doesn't matter - age ain't nothing but a number.

But life is so swift - I mean, someone said to me today, "this week is just flying by" and I paused to think, wow, it really is.

And then I said goodbye to a co-worker today who is off to a new company, and she and I have worked together for over two and a half years. And that just seemed silly to me, as the time we have had together I feel could fit into my pocket. Where does it all go?

And who exactly are we now?

We build up so many walls based on our insecurities and hopes and ways in which we want to be perceived, and I just wonder does that all go away? Do we ever get to show anyone the REAL essence of who we are? Will I just stop all that bullshit and finally be comfortable in my skin once and for all?

Someone once told me it would all happen one day. At thirty.

Which I will be, really less than two months from now.

Have I accomplished everything that I wanted to by then? No.

Have I accomplished things I never even dreamed of trying? Yes.

And so life is all a big surprise, and staying awake and being aware is the only way to really experience it fully. And since this week is just "flying by", I have no choice but to try and stay on high alert. I don't want to miss anything.

I mean, really.

I just want to have a good time. Is that so much to ask?

What do you think?

All weekend, these words have reverberated through my head.

I don't know what it is. Well, that's a lie. It is WHAT IT IS.

I seem to realize that my life is constituted half by moments fully lived, and the other half by moments analyzing the first half. So, that's half my life gone to thought. Half lost to circles run in my head.

And something clicked for me. A conversation had, and the subject words spoken.

"It is what it is."

"Yeah, I guess it is", I remember replying. And they echoed for me somehow. Echoed as I woke up Saturday morning, questioning. Echoed as I recovered from a fender-bender Saturday afternoon. Echoed as I stared at the damage with a good friend.

"Are you okay?", he asked.
"I guess. I mean, it is what it is"

It echoed while watching movies last night. Stranger Than Fiction and United 93 - both excellent in their own ways. But feeling alone on a rainy Saturday night, and then reminding myself that it is what it is.

I have not slept better in weeks.

And today, writing. And writing. Working on my script which is opening my eyes to such much about creativity. And life. And myself. And not correcting myself. Not analyzing or being unsure.

I mean, it is what it is.

And now, here, documenting. Of course, I could be out, gearing up to head to a friends. Returning phone calls. Making my bed. But instead here, on my space.

Oh well.

It is what it is.

What do you think?

So on New Year's Day, per Becky's tradition, I pulled an animal medicine card that would stand as my card for the year.

I pulled the ant.

FYI - I hate ants.

I used to hose them down the driveway in a Poseiden Adventure-like scene when I was younger. And my current place in Silverlake has been invaded by them more than once, which in those moments caused me to break down my usual "it's time to go outside now, mr. spider" mentality and get all Raid on their asses. (Those who know me are aware of how much it killed me to do so.) Anyway, so the ant card was not necessarily welcome. But after reading it and taking in the first few weeks of 2007, it appears that the ant message is one of great importance for me.

Ant asks one to be patient and to be "content in knowing that what is yours will come to you." To find joy in the now. I guess it's no coincidence that my friend Barry recently recommended that I read the book, Stillness Speaks by Eckhart Tolle. I was telling Barry of my bouts with insomnia, and he thought this book was possibly a way to help me shut my mind up. And reading it (and loving it) has certainly helped me to see that the ant card was no fluke right now.

"Whenever you deeply accept this moment as it is - no matter what form it takes - you are still, you are at peace."

I tend to read things like this and think, "FUCK YES!" and "yeah whatever dude" all at the same time. It's the faith vs. reality war that wages in me daily. Still I can't deny the signs. Even my first free will astrology" regarding the new year was thematic - making the unknown my trustful confidante.

So I can't deny that it's time to show a little trust and patience in my life. And I must believe that whatever it is that I am waiting to arrive will arrive when the time is right.

Fuck logic. Fuck "the way things are supposed to go".

Trust is a "confident expectation of something; hope".

Every avenue of life calls for this - the confident expectation of something. Certainly hope. I can recall hopelessness and how easy it was to have that in my life. It's only because being hopeful can feel like crossing a walkway of glass. And most of us always take the level road in contrast to the uphill.

This morning, washing my face, a lone ant walked along the floor. It was shocking that I noticed it in my hurry. So I had to stop and watch it walk. A bit dazed. Got turned around a couple of times. But it took its time finding the right course. And then it drifted off under the doorway and was gone. I took some time with the rest of my morning and thought nothing more of it until now.

I am embracing the ant now and seeing what that brings me.

At least until the next invasion. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I mean, I'm doing the best that I can.

What do you think?

First off, my friend David is performing a show at The Cavern Club called The Bossy Bottom. I saw it Wednesday night, and it's an insane one-man show that takes him through a handful of entertaining characters. This is certainly a piece of classic Silverlake theatre that takes us from a crystal meth junkie's meeting with a telephone pole to a Starbucks to a sex club glory hole. I know it sounds like another typical night on Hyperion with yours truly, but I plan on going again, so let me know if you have any interest. It plays for five more weeks, and you can devour some hearty Mexican food and cocktails right up until curtain.

Good times.

Now after this, Justin and I took a trip to Akbar - where else does one go after theatre? And we chatted and shared stories about long-lost loves and crazy co-workers. About two drinks in, we decide to get deep. I told him some college tales that should have been left under the rock where I once buried them, but I am a glutton for remembering the times. And we talk and we laugh and I am left questioning still what lessons I am supposed to be learning through all of this business that is emotion and life. And Justin says, "Life is not about learning lessons. It's about figuring out who you are by the actions that you take."

FYI - I butcher quotes.

Basically, what he was saying was that it's not the lessons we learn that define us. It's the actions that we take in life that define who we are. And going a step further, it's how the actions that we take affect the people in our lives and how they define who we are to them. To define oneself is pointless. There are enough labels that I can stamp myself with if I need a strict definition.

I am Gay. I am Puerto Rican. I am Mexican. I am "in the industry".

You get the point.

But someone else will see what I do and say, "He is kind." Or, "He's a dick." Or, "I want a piece of that."

It could happen.

I think that is the type of definition we should be looking to make. We should be looking to affect the ones we come in contact with, because life is all about the relationships that we make. It's about coming into contact with each other and altering energy. Altering lives. Hopefully for the better.

I am all about learning lessons. But those are for us to know. Us to react to. Us to understand.

Action makes change. And change is good.

Even the pennies.

What do you think?

Hey all -

My favorite astro-man just posted for the week.

Apparently I need to have sex on a plane this year.

Read on.

Free Will Astrology
by Rob Brezsny

January 3rd, 2007 2:55 PM

ARIES (March 21–April 19): The coming year will be a favorable time for you to prostrate yourself in prayer on mountaintops, to grunt ferocious promises into the night wind while standing on rooftops, to dance yourself into an ecstatic state and then meditate on your life's bottomless questions, and to make love with funky spiritual grace while flying on a plane. Catch my drift, Aries? Doing anything that combines heights and depths will put you in alignment with cosmic rhythms.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): It's possible you'll live for 150 years. Scientific studies on how to outwit the aging process are generating increasingly compelling data, and so is psychospiritual research into the attitudes and emotions that encourage longevity. The coming year will be prime time for you to make yourself aware of these explorations and to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Here are two places to start your investigation: (1) the article "I'm Going to Live Forever," at tinyurl.com/6w4wh, and (2) the book Fantastic Voyage: Live Long Enough to Live Forever, by Ray Kurzweil and Terry Grossman, at tinyurl.com/nv35y.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): Jargon Watch author Gareth Branwyn defines obstacle illusio n as "something that looks like it will be a huge problem but turns out not to be." This is your theme for early 2007, Gemini. You may imagine you'll have to face a lot of resistance to your dreams, when in fact you won't. You might even gear up for confrontations that don't actually need to take place. Ironically, though, the willpower and tenacity you summon while expecting to face difficulties could prove valuable. So maybe it's fine if at first you don't realize that the obstacles are illusions.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): I predict that you won't punch out Paris Hilton in a bar in 2007, nor will you buy your own Learjet, train to be a Shaolin kung fu monk, or get a clip-on nose ring. Leather chaps? I bet you won't wear them even once, nor will you sneak into your old high school at night and spray-paint obscenities on the walls. In the coming year, you might, on the other hand, get a tattoo of the glyph for infinity. You may obtain a ceremonial sword and use it in a ritual to symbolically cut away a certain dead-end fantasy you've been clinging to even though it's no damn good for you. You could also go on a quest to satisfy your oldest curiosity and learn a lot about how to control your emotions without repressing them.

LEO (July 23–Aug. 22): From a metaphorical perspective, Leo, the 2006 chapter of your life story could have been titled "Asleep in the Garden." Beautiful fertility and fertile beauty have surrounded you, but you've been more aware of them in your dreams and subconscious mind than in your conscious waking life. I expect that to change in 2007. That's why I'm envisioning a new chapter that'll be called "Awake in the Garden."

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Patriarch Bartholomew, the leader of the Orthodox Christian Church, has a flock of 300 million. Unlike most other religious leaders, he crusades for the preservation of the environment. "To commit a crime against the natural world is a sin," he says. "For humans to cause species to become extinct and to destroy the biological diversity of God's creation; for humans to contaminate the earth's waters, land, air, and life with poisonous substances: These are sins." The astrological omens suggest that he'll be a good role model for you in 2007, Virgo. You'll generate lush personal dividends if you intensify your intention to live in harmony with nature and invoke a spiritual zeal as you defend your planet against its despoilers.

LIBRA (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): I predict that sometime in the coming year, two rich attorneys will offer you $20,000 if you'll deliver a cursed diamond to their shaman in Brazil for exorcism. But you will demand that they not only give you the money, but also introduce you to their good friend Angelina Jolie. They'll balk at that, and the deal will fall through. But then you'll write a movie script based on your fantasy of the experience you might have had if you had actually done the deal, and you'll sell the script to a producer who gets Angelina Jolie to be one of the stars. And if that exact scenario doesn't happen as prophesied, Libra, I bet you'll have a comparable adventure or two that will revolve around the power of your imagination, your determination to hold out for exactly what you want, and a rich harvest of poetic justice.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): On the first Monday of every month, a vision of the Virgin Mary appears on the back porch of Audrey Hoff's house in Miami. Even if you usually have no interest in curiosities like this, Scorpio, I predict that in 2007 you'll be involved in a comparable phenomenon. It won't necessarily feature the Virgin Mary, but it will be in alignment with your particular belief system. So if you're a Buddhist, you may have dreams of the Buddha visiting your bedroom. If you're a gay Republican, you might have vivid waking visions of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan making holy love in a log cabin. If you're an atheist, you could have a series of spectacular epiphanies that prove to you with ever greater certainty that there is no God.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): If 2006 sometimes felt like the Year of Perpetual PMS (even for you men), 2007 will quickly make you forget any bloated, edgy feelings that may still linger. The coming months may in fact feel like the Year of Perpetual Ovulation (even for you men). I bet you'll often feel horny not just for sexual adventures but for other kinds of intimate exchanges that make you smarter and wilder.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Your power animal in 2007 will be the hare, whose front legs are shorter than its back legs, allowing it to run uphill with exceptional speed. What this means, Capricorn, is that while you will have more ascents than usual to make in the coming months, you will also be well equipped to carry them out with efficiency and power. The steep challenges you face might feel daunting to anyone else, but your heightened ability to conquer them will often inspire you to approach them with relish.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20—Feb. 18): Some people imagine that the Aquarian age, if it ever kicks in, will be an airy-fairy affair, rife with crystal healings and dolphin channeling, in which we'll be surrounded by neo-hippie do-gooders who spread sentimental love. But that's all wrong. The real Aquarian age will bring a revolution in our political and economic structures, fueled by the Internet and other technologies. There'll be intelligent machines with whom we'll develop complex relationships. Sexual identities will mutate and expand, leading to at least seven distinct genders, and there'll be a host of new ways to experience erotic pleasure. Advances in anti-aging research, nanotechnology, and genetic manipulation will mutate many ideas about what it means to be human. You are by no means obligated to be on the front lines of this revolution, Aquarius. But if you do feel inclined to hang out there, 2007 will be the most adventurous year of your life so far.

PISCES (Feb. 19—March 20): "Picture the Grand Canyon," says Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield. "Every hundred years, a child comes by and throws a mustard seed into it. In the time it takes to fill the hole in the earth with mustard seeds, one mahakalpa will have passed. To perfect the virtuous heart—the joy of integrity—takes a thousand mahakalpas." If that's true, Pisces, then you've still got a lot of work to do. However, the planets are aligned in such a way as to suggest you could make unusually great progress toward the goal of perfecting the virtuous heart in 2007. For best results, meditate often on the phrase "the joy of integrity." Get very familiar with the pleasurable emotion that comes from acting with impeccability. And try out this idea from Gandhi: Integrity is the royal road to your inner freedom.

What do you think?

"I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then I could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

So this is the new year."
- Death Cab For Cutie

2007.

Here we go.

From Breitbart.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mass. Lawmakers Propel Gay Marriage Ban

Jan 02 2:40 PM US/Eastern

By STEVE LeBLANC

Associated Press Writer
BOSTON

Lawmakers in Massachusetts, the only state where gay marriage is legal, on Tuesday voted to advance a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, a critical step toward putting the measure the 2008 ballot.
The proposed amendment, which would define marriage as between one man and one woman but ban future gay marriages, still needs approval of the next legislative session before it can go onto the ballot.

The vote Tuesday in the constitutional convention came without debate, immediately after Senate President Robert Travaglini officially opened the joint session.
Earlier in the day, Gov-elect Deval Patrick had met with Travaglini and House Speaker Salvatore DiMasi to urge against a vote, calling it a "question of conscience." He said the proposed amendment was the first time the amendment process was being used "to consider reinserting discrimination into the constitution."
But the state Supreme Judicial Court ruled last week that lawmakers' had shirked their constitutional duties in November by recessing instead of voting on the proposal.
The supporters of the amendment collected signatures from 170,000 people in an effort to get the question on the ballot.

The amendment would need to be approved by 50 member of the current Legislature and 50 members of the new Legislature before going to voters on the 2008 ballot. On Tuesday, 61 lawmakers backed moving the measure forward, compared to 132 opposed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not that we all want to be a part of the "institution", but let's face it. Something ain't right.

What do you think?