Puerto Rico - here I come.

I couldn't sleep very well last night. This was the night before Christmas or trip to Disneyland restlessness. That was coupled with the nerves of wondering if I have everything that I need. Thanks to the magnificent Gregory, I had created a travel checklist and got his this morning to check it against, so I am in good shape. Now I just have to navigate the airports and what I am hoping is a restful red-eye flight, and all will be well with the world. I should then have a week of fun and relaxation in what promises to be relatively good weather, if the gods continue to smile my way.

Given that I am traveling with my two sisters and another honorary sister, it was fitting that I watched the film Lovely and Amazing as I packed. It's the story of these three very different sisters and their personal struggles to accept themselves as they grow up in various stages of their lives. This is one of those movies that creeped up on me. I was watching it somewhat haphazardly at first, but I found myself stopping mid-pack and curling up to watch. I won't go into a full-on review, but I will say that I highly recommend this film, and it's not just cause my honey is in it in one of his earliest appearances.

There are lots of independent films that follow the mold this movie is made from, but director Nicole Holofcener finds incredibly creative ways to move the characters along. I mean, the screenplay is kinda genius. When Emily Mortimer's character stood up naked in front of a lover, post-sex, and asked him to point out everything he finds wrong with her body, I was like, "what is this?" But as the scene unraveled, I was marveled by not only her performance but by the subtle way the screenplay allowed her issues to be faced and dealt with. We could see all of these people's insecurities without having to hear about them. And their voices are so distinct that you see them as separate people united by their inherited problems. In, all this was a very honest portrayal of family in that at times I wanted to smack them all and then I wanted to hug them. Just like I sometimes want to with my real family. Anyway, see this movie. Love. Thanks to Eric for the great recommendation.

So, I am excited for my trip. I am excited to see where some of my blood originates. I am excited to see the place where my grandfather is buried. I am excited to relax. And I am really excited to be with my sisters, insecurities and all. I have a feeling we will all be in fine form - all lovely and amazing in our own way.

Puerto Rico - here I come.

What about it?

"You're being flip-floppy" is what my friend Dave told me the other night as he read my tarot cards. He said I know what it is that I want in many capacities, but I keep telling myself to just wait and let it come to me instead of seeking it out and going for it. I guess I am the lazy warrior. Either that, or my insecurities get the best of me and I give up the fight long before I am really punching. "You're prime for a breakthrough." To achieve my breakthrough, he said that I should be more receptive. And not just the 'open my arms up and let things come to me' kind of receptive. "In order to be receptive, you must be open and take things in, but then use what you've taken in and put it back out into the world. Let it go."

Sometimes I wish that I was a music star.

Then I could just constantly write songs based on my experiences or my musings on life and then record the album and put it out there. There would be some touring involved, because of course you've got to pay the bills. But while on tour, I would be working on my next album as I fell in love or fought with my manager or met people of backgrounds I am completely unfamiliar with. And that constant creative cycle of my life would roll along. And I could pop by the Grammy's and show up for my one nomination in the Best Solo Alternative Category, have a glass of wine with Christina Aguilera, and go home satiated.

Hence this is not the case.

Not to say that I do not enjoy my work and my life as a whole. But after talking to Dave and my other lovely friend, Austin, I was reminded of my creativity and how its not how it used to be. My receptivity has been shut down a bit as far as letting it out for the world to hear. Too busy administering others' voices for the past few years, I guess. Still, I am able to infuse some creativity into my daily routine, but I miss being "the artist". Perhaps fear has paved way for laziness. Perhaps hanging out with two incredibly talented artists made me feel inferior. Or could it just be my artist starving for all that Artist's Way attention it was getting a few months back.

Whatever it is, I have a story idea I want to work on, and I am very confident in it and my talent. And all this writing about WANTING to write it just keeps me from actually doing it.

This is me being "flip-floppy", I guess.

What about it?

Five years from the day of great change for our generation, and I want to speak about fear.
The great enemy in this lifetime.
And the greatest weapon in this “war on terrorism” I keep hearing and reading about
And wondering about.

Wondering how a man such as myself plays a role in all this.

With my Starbucks morning and my corporate number ID that I punch into the telephone to announce my arrival each day at work.
Here I am GE, NBC, WHOEVER needs ME.
I am here to punch this clock and wishing there was a speed bag next to it.
I would write that word, “FEAR” on the speed bag and work it till my knuckles started to bleed.
And I would love it
Because
I am tired of fear punching on me.
Tired
of keeping one eye open when I sleep
And when I date
And when I ask questions
And when I smile.

I want fear to take a long walk off a short pier.

I want fear to suck a dick and choke.
I want fear to leave me alone.

Cause on this anniversary of the day of great change for our generation,
I want to get vicious on fear.
And know that my name is not a number
and
I am not an Americano.

That my place in this world thus far may be small on the grand weight scale of
universal growth,
But I am not done wondering

just yet.
I am not done wondering.