I have to say that I have never been one for Halloween.

Since my early teen years, I have usually spent the holiday sitting in and watching movies. Not dressing up. Not drawing attention. It's never been about getting into costume or being at one with the spirits. Not even candy. Thinking about it over the weekend, I can only attribute it to being an overweight kid and being forced into some bad "fat" home-made costumes.

Let's see - the ones I have not blocked out.

Pac-Man. Made out of a wood case that slid over me and had cut-outs for my legs, arms, and head. I looked like a big yellow wheel. And it was so heavy that I remember it hurting to walk. But my mom said, "your father worked very hard on that. Are you gonna let all of that hard work go to waste? You'll be fine." I grimaced as the wood bit into my small ten-year old shoulders. "Besides you love Pac-Man. And this is what you wanted." I recall the picture in my mind involving something a little more practical in design, but hey, ten year-olds can't be choosers.

Rudolph - This was not by choice. It was a surprise by Mom. She made it from scratch. Out of stocking material. Like nylon stockings. I was more like Rudolph's overweight cousin, Randy, as I peeled it over my body RIGHT BEFORE school. There was no turning back. It also had a head piece with antlers that drooped crookedly to each side. And the nose was of a red sponge-like material. I did like the nose, but not the ridicule. Of course, in retrospect, it was great that Mom went out of the way to do this. I know she loved me and put her heart into it. Still, a note to self when I have kids. Ask them what they want to be first. And work with them to make it happen. Surprise gifts of toys + good. Surprise gifts of future therapy inducers = not so good.

Now the best one that I have not blocked out from my memory - probably because it was so traumatizing, that I just HAD to remember it - is a character from Return of The Jedi. I loved it so much, and I just had to be someone from that movie.

Did I get Han Solo?

Luke?

An Ewok?

No.

This is what I was given.

Here is the best example I could find to illustrate:

CHECK IT

SO MUCH FUN!!!

The mask was rubber and I could barely breathe.

I mean...

Really.

An Ewok would have been cute, at least.

In all, my mom had some bad decision-making skills when it came to dressing up her son. And when she finally got cool with me staying home and giving out candy with her while watching Poltergiest - that was just the greatest.

This year, I have done what I can to get into the spirit. I got dressed up in my own way this weekend as Elliot from E.T. - my favorite movie hero of all time. And seeing Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D last night really helped. So, tomorrow may not have me all decked out. But next year, I'm coming on strong.

I'm bringing costumeback (yep).

What about it?

So I like to multi-task. I am cleaning my room, doing laundry, and conducting a musical experiment.

Remember, I'm odd.

So, I have decided to put the Ipod on random and let it play ten songs that are messages to my life...to my soul right now. I mean, what better to do on a Thursday night along with the household chores.

Yes people, this is how my mind works. So, I'm pushing play and sharing the results.

1. Leather - Tori Amos. Funny since this is the first song on the new Tori Amos remastered "Little Earthquakes" I just got, which is sort of my new old mantra album. She starts the song out with "Look I'm standing naked before you, don't you want more than my sex." I am feeling very naked and exposed these days, and I am learning to understand the feelings around that. And being naked, you want people to see beyond your skin. That's hard most of the time, especially when you can't get past your own skin either.

2. Islands In The Stream - Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. AWESOME! Making me feel like a kid again, when my sister Lisa and I use to do this as a duet in the living room. I love Dolly. Those of you who know me well know of my long-ago dream of wanting to go to Dollywood for my 30th. The closer things get, the harder they seem.

3. Satellite - Jewel. I have never heard this song. It's about being obsessed with saving ourselves through things like "volleyball and power bars." I mean, it's kinda silly. But she of course brings up Hollywood and how we are all obsessed with our looks and how "everybody has a nice body but their souls are like shadows." I mean, that is only true of certain parts in L.A. Like West Hollywood.

4. Longview - Green Day. The universe has a sense of humor like mine, and we are sharing a laugh.

5. You Get Me - Michelle Branch. I mean, what is it with me an chicks who sing? I'll take any of them. I have to admit, I was a bit obsessed with this one when I first got this CD. It's the story of a girl feeling like no one gets her. BUT "you get me." Lame. I know.

What about it?

6. Cooling (Live) - Tori Amos. More Tori. If I had a drag bone in my body, I'd be her for Halloween. A patron saint. Makes me think of Jessica and thinking WAY TOO MUCH about what this song was saying.

7. A Case of You - Tori Amos. How random is random? I guess not too much if one fourth of my collection is her. But this one takes me back to New York. A certain someone was a case for me back then, and I would drink and barely be on my feet. This song kept me standing. An idea of love forced to be forgotten.

8. On Your Wings - Iron and Wine. "God give us love in the time that we have."

9. Lovers In The Backseat - Scissor Sisters. Is my life telling me to be more a voyeur?

10. I'll Be There - Jackson 5. Be trustworthy. I love how he sings it to all the girls at the end. "I'll be there! Just call my name girls! And I'll be there!"

I so would've done that too at his age. Guess I need to reclaim that innocence, but shout it out to all my boys instead.

A BONUS:

"Walking In Circles" - Josh Murphy. A summer intern from my work out there following his dreams. This is a great song. Simple. Sweet. Insightful.

"Memory's just the part of the brain that keeps us from walking in circles."

So I started at Tori, naked and alone. And got through messages of an innocent past lost behind. A reminder of the alleyways I have walked in my days. A point to stop focusing so much on the outside and get focusing on my inside. And most important, to remember all this so as not to walk in any more circles.

And I have some cheesy music taste at times.

What about it?

Hanging with Alyssa always raises my vibration. We got on the cart this afternoon and drove through the Lot up to CityWalk for lunch. And we had to talk about all things important to our soul and love and boys and manifesting dreams through our thoughts because we've known each other for over a dozen years and when you've known someone that long, you can't just get by on what movies you've seen lately. We always tend to have these revolutionary epiphanies together too - like the "A-HA" moments that Oprah talks about. Op's says:

"Recently, a woman asked me, "What was the a-ha! lightbulb moment in your life?" I realized it was when I figured out that my thoughts control my whole life and that no matter what hand life deals me, I can always choose my response to it. We are each responsible for our lives and, more important, the thoughts that create them. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think."

I just read this right now after searching "A-HA moments" on O's site. AND this is EXACTLY what Alyssa and I were speaking about at lunch.

A-HA!

(Yes, I am relating my life to Oprah's. What about it?)

Now I'm not a COMPLETE fool. I DO know that my thoughts control my life. But I STILL wonder negatively about my future. And I toss and turn over my finances and my relationships. But the vicious cycle just repeats as my thinking continues to just attract more situations that I don't want. How lame is that? If I really did know that my thoughts are so dire to my successful survival, than why am I ever mean to myself? And why would I ever not believe in everything I set out to achieve with a pure heart?

I am proud of the man that I am now. I'm funny, smart, creative, and can even get my sexy on if necessary. But, I'm gonna travel back in time a bit to when I was hard-core hippy-dippy and living in SF and believing in things other than my immediate view. I need to recover some of that guy too and add him back into the mix. Get my Tori Amos on, so to speak.

I am responsible for my life. And I am okay with that.

In other news, I got the chance to meet one of my favorite writers, Dave White, who is far funnier and smarter than me. And just hanging with him and my boss and chatting on movies and life was completely awesome. I mean, I must be on the right track already if I'm manifesting a good night like that with such inspiring people. Now I have to try and manifest getting a nickname on Dave's blog.

Also - TOTALLY random other news, Christina Aguilera put out her new video, HURT, and she co-directed it. Of course, that could easily mean that she said, "I want it in a circus tent and I want it to be lit real pretty and I want this elephant here and that elephant there", and then the OTHER director, Floria Sigismondi, had to really MAKE it all happen. Regardless, I actually think it's quite stunning. And though my current pop queenobsessionn is more JoJo (not for her music, but for the fact that she goes by the name, "JoJo" and she's like 16 and always looks like she just walked out of Glamour Shots), I still admire Xtina's attempts to make something a little more outside the standard pop box. And she's not afraid to go to get her thing on at a dirty boy gay bar.

Anywhere here it is:



And I DO have JoJo's song "Too Little, Too Late" playing on repeat at my desk.

What about it?

A good friend sat with me at Cha Cha last night as I attempted to dissect the ways of my heart and the actions of my mind. How is it that I find myself repeating history so vainly? I can't quite grasp why I am so consistent in my desire to find love when it's not there in front of me. Is it something that I ate perhaps, or a deficiency left over from childhood? Regardless, it's a plague on my psyche, and I can't continue to leave potholes where longing thoughts have been. There's a lot to focus my passion on right now. So focus!

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" I asked Becky this and explained to her how a part of me did, and how the other part of me berated that first part for being such a loser. She understood and said that for some people it is possible and for others probably not. "I think it's possible for someone like you." But it doesn't have to be like in the movies - there are variations on it. Can we customize "love at first sight" now the way we get online and customize a Nike?

I know I have discussed this topic before here in this blog, and I have sworn off discussing love in this blog before too, but it doesn't just vanish from my life as I stupidly want it to sometimes. Because I still date and make out with people and for me, the inevitable question is, "Will this lead to something more?" For a lot of gay men, it appears that thought is mutant. Most wonder, "Am I gonna be able to hit that again BEFORE he wants a relationship?" I know there are exceptions, but I guess I have only dated half of them and it hasn't really worked out. And looking for the other half is a waste of time. Because when I least expect it, he is going to find me. He being love. And I will probably hate him and wish him away. Cuz that's what I hear happens when you fall in love.

So, the purging is done. I can go back to my regularly scheduled life, already in progress. Work is going well and holds promise. Creativity is creeping back in. My friends kick ass. And the air is turning chill.

Now, who's gonna help keep me warm at night?

Just kidding.

What about it?