For my fellow Saturn Returners, and 29 year old friends.

From astro.com

My horoscope for today.

Pruning your life ***
Valid during many months: This is one of the most important times in your life. A major cycle of experience is closing, and great changes are about to take place. How great these changes are depends largely on what you have been doing with your life over the past several years. Have you been living as you feel you should or as you think others want you to? If you have been doing the latter, this influence will have a greater impact.
This influence occurs about every twenty-nine years. The first such influence occurs now that you are about twenty-nine.

Last year, many aspects of your life have begun to change. Relationships have changed or ended, and you may have changed your residence or your job; you have been dominated by an urgent feeling that if you don't do everything you have always wanted to do or felt that you should, you will never have another chance. And now, at about twenty-nine, you will feel that a substantial portion of your life has passed and that you had better get on with making it all work. If your marriage or love relationship is unsatisfactory but you have been making the best of it, you will examine that relationship even more thoroughly now and may decide to end it. Certainly you will have to change it substantially. The same is true of any other aspect of your life that you have tolerated but not found very rewarding.

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life.

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. If you have been doing what you should in previous years, this influence will simply mark a time of solidification and the beginning of new phases of activity.


The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn Conjunction Saturn exact at 21:50
activity period from beginning of October 2005 until 8 July 2006.

Last night, I got a chance to see Superman Returns at the legendary Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Blvd. Seeing a movie there is always a surreal experience, given the throngs of traveling tourists that populate the obstacle course of walkways between the parking structure and the theatre lobby. In front of the theatre are actors who work as living cardboard cutouts of Catwoman and Superman, only Catwoman is about fifty pounds overweight and Superman is in his forties. Needless to say, it all adds immensely to the film-going experience of Hollywood. And there is no film out this summer that screams Hollywood more than Bryan Singer's magical and slightly over-blown "Superman Returns".

The movie is certainly one to be seen this summer on the big screen. Singer gracefully paints the screen with a fine contrast of vivid popcorn thrills and delicate character studies. Clark/Superman and Lois Lane are not just cookie cutter characters running around the streets of Metropolis as pawns in great action sequences. They have stories and hearts and problems and fears. And both Brandon Routh and Kate Bosworth surprise with equally powerful and endearing performances as the star-crossed lovers whose destinies are forever entangled in saving the future of the world. And as much as Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey (I mean, she STEALS scenes) tear up the scenery like bulls in a candy shop, the real soul of the film revolves around the love between Lois and Superman, two people who feel chosen in different ways to help shed light on the world and its troubles. The film ignites when the two are on screen together, as the scene where the two fly over the city, through the clouds, over the ocean, and high into the sky illustrates. It is here that the true beauty of Singer's story comes to light.

With X-Men and X2, Singer proved that he knew his way around a comic book movie. And though I recall being more profoundly blown away by X2, Superman Returns seems to be the movie that he was meant to make. In most all aspects, he nails the picture. The visual dynamics on display are phenomenal, and one can see he has a real passion for the grandeur of the characters. However, he could have edited the film down a bit, as it did lack from some valleys in the center that dragged the pacing down. And there were some sequences that seemed to be in the film more for the sheer value of impressing the eye than honoring the story.

In its truest essence, Superman Returns is an allegory for accepting one's fate in life. Once we allow ourselves to stop fighting the person we are meant to be, we can find our true self and excel in that nature. Superman is the epitome of one character whose fate is blinding in its reality, and watching him push to his limits in such extraordinary circumstances is riveting and thought-provoking. If we were given the destiny of being the one to save this world, could we be steel enough to take it? And is it love that truly drives all of our motivations? Sure, it's a movie. But it caused this viewer to stop and look in the mirror. If one does not accept the reality of his/her existence, can one really excel within it?

I had lunch with a friend today, and she made a comment along the lines of, "Until you learn to accept yourself and your circumstances the way they are now, you can't really grow beyond them." You remain stuck. I realize now that there is nothing super about remaining stuck. A superhero is one who faces each new moment with confidence and renewal. And let's face it. There is no better place to be a superhero than Hollywood.

What about it?

I love my dad.

Growing up, he was never around very much as he was a cop. I would lay awake in bed until I heard his key twisting in the front door around eleven each night. Then, I would run out of my room and greet him at the door. We would talk, and he would bring home McDonald's. I would always share his fries with him. But the nights ended as his shifts grew longer. Soon I would fall asleep, and no key would turn. And as time and adolescence came on, we grew apart, and our only time together became time with the whole family on the weekends. And given the total lack of communication my family grew into for a long phase of time, our relationship grew to a state of almost non-existence. I recall in high school when I performed in my first musical, which became one of my greatest moments. But it was stilted as I searched for my dad at its ending, and he had not come. My mom said, "You know your dad." I knew then that I really didn't know him at all.

The next few years were full of rebellious distance from the family, which cultivated in moving away from home. In college is where I felt I had found my true family. I had people in my life who would talk to me openly and with emotion. And there was always someone to share a late night fries eating session with. My family became these people I would spend holidays with, and my dad a stranger. A man who I would see, but felt knew nothing of who I was. Then came Father's Day, 2000. On that day six years ago, I was about to board a red eye flight with two of my best friends to see New York for the first time. It was one of my greatest dreams, and my dad had purchased the plane ticket for me as a last minute birthday gift. I was of course very grateful, and being it was the holiday, I called to wish him thanks and offer my love. It was a call that changed everything.

There was a resonance in my dad's voice that normally did not exist. "I love you, Angel." "I know dad." Friends were in my room hanging out to wish my departing friends and I bon voyage. My demeanor was light. "I want you to go to New York and be yourself." "Of course dad. I always am." I was clueless. "No, I want you to be yourself. And know that I know about you. And I love you no matter what." I remember being instantly stunned by his word, for I knew what he meant. Still I asked him. "What do you mean?" "You know what I mean," he said. The tears came down my face. I pushed myself out into the living room. "I love you Dad." He told me again that he loved me, and that he wanted me to go to New York and to have fun. To be safe and to above all be proud of who I was, because he was. It was the last thing I needed to hear before I knew the next phase of my life could start.

Looking back, when the late night hang time ended circa 1985, a sense of abandonment came over me. And as I struggled to become a man circa 1990, he was not there either, and my sense became a chasm. And when the curtain came down and I went out into the crowd circa 1993, there was just no father to be had in my opinion. But that night in 2000, I was able to gather a glimpse that my dad knew who I was all that time. And since then, we have talked about it and grown closer, and I know that all those years I was missing him, he was missing me. And he was working more than he wanted to, but he wanted even more for us to feel like we could have what we needed. Cause he never had that growing up himself. And for trying so hard out of his love for me and my family, I am ever so grateful. And I am willing to let go of the abandonment and forgive all the time that we lost together. Because there can be a day like today where we can just talk and hang and share a story and a laugh. And having him in my life, on my side, makes me so happy. Through it all, I now see that my dad has been one of the good guys all along.

And for that, I love my dad.

What about it?

I was thinking today about cd's that moved me when I first heard them. First off, remember when they used to be called "albums"? Or "records"? Anyway, I told my Ray of Light story - here is another.

I, like most of America, loved "Jagged Little Pill". I remember being in the drama room hearing "You Oughta Know" and wondering. "who the hell is this?" That entire album really connected with me, along with the other brilliant female-driven records coming out then (To Bring You My Love, Post, Under The Pink, Not a Pretty Girl). But I have to say it was Alanis' second album, "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie", that really touched a piece of me deeply.

Released November of 98, Billboard said the album was, "a clear step forward, teeming with ambition and filled with new musical ideas and different sonic textures." I was 21 (was that just a great year of awakening or what?), and I was living in Hayes Valley in San Francisco and working in the Castro. And I was learning about spirituality, yoga, and the possibility of things other than MTV. And it was truly somewhat dark and scary. The song "Thank U" helped me to pull through a lot of the revelations that I was coming across, and a lot of the newly found anxieties.

"How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping"

I was learning to let go in a whole new way. It was then that I started really losing the extra 80 pounds or so that I was still carrying around then. And I began dealing with my family issues also by finding acceptance in who I was. Songs like "That I Would Be Good" and "UR" would go on repeat, as I would journal or walk the city. In dealing with love and its lack of light in my life, I would play "Can't Not" and "I Was Hoping" to exorcise demons of past relationship hopes gone stale. And Alanis' spiritual awakening mirrored feelings that I had with the songs, "One", "Baba", and "Joining You". Sure, it wasn't the most coherent album, and having been listening to it now, the songs don't live up to that classic status that "You Oughta Know's" teenage rage created. But for me, it wasn't just the musicality of the album. It was that there was someone out there who knew what I was feeling, and thinking about it the same way that I was. And that is what still makes me blast "Thank U" to this day.

A couple years later, I got to meet Alanis, and in the few moments that I had with her, I told her how much that album affected me. I didn't realize how much it had until I was holding her hand and looking into her eyes, and I was saying, "it was so nice to know that we were feeling the same exact things." She, of course, looked at me like I was crazy. But she thanked me, and I went on my merry way to find my next musical infatuation.

If you don't know the record, it's on my recommendation list. It did not sell as well as the first one, but it's a great testament to an interesting artist of the 90's and her musical, emotional, and spiritual growth.

And she had Ryan Reynolds. If you haven't heard, they are no longer together.

My new infatuation.

I want it.

What about it?

It's been a while since I have been compelled to write. Well not compelled actually - but just taken the time to compose something. And I got all depressed for a bit as Saturn makes it's final pass at his return in my chart. Astrologers say it is natural to get down at times during this process, as you are looking at your life at the closing of a stage. And I have to say that I have thought, "Oh my God, the home stretch of my thirties. I still rent and I am single." I mean, I have friends who are signing papers on homes and finalizing weddings. And here I am. Luckily though I have hit an impasse. I have truly accepted that my path is MY own. That comparing myself to them is not going to clear up any of my issues nor help me gain clarity on what would "better" my life situation. And it is certainly not going to help me figure out what my greatest potential is.

Last night, my roommate and I were talking about how most people do not allow themselves to live up to their soul's full potential. It was all based off of this awesome book that I just finished reading, called The Brief History of the Dead, by Kevin Brockmeier.In it, purgatory exists and looks incredibly like Manhattan. One exists in purgatory only as long as a living person remembers you. At that point that the last person whose life you touched dies, you disappear all together. It seems that Brockmeier is saying that it is our relationships then that define our existence. And it raises the concept that the point of this existence is to affect as many people as one possibly can in order to truly attain your soul's potential. But who knows.

I do know one thing. Complacency is not hitting your potential. Neither is going out drinking every night. Yes, everyone's path IS different. But the goal must be one that aims to positively change the world. Now how one goes about that without being Brad or Angelina is anyone's guess. But I do aim to touch the world. So I shouldn't expect myself to be there by 30. Not everyone can be Buddha or Beyonce. And not everyone owns a home by 27. But I have to remember that not everyone gets to produce a play in New York, even if it is off-off-Broadway. And not everyone gets parents who accept them for who they are. So I will just continue striving to be the best version of me taht I can be. And that is all I should ask of myself for now.

Unless you have any questions for me.

What about it?

Last night I got to go to the launch party for this year's Outfest, which took place poolside on the rooftop of the Bel Age Hotel. Can we say amazing view? At one point, I had to go and stand at the very corner edge of the roof, where I could take in the entire city. Breathtaking. And the party was nice too. I ran into a couple of friends and got to meet some new people under the guise of now being in the development dept. of a pretty cool gay-friendly studio. Also it was an open bar, which I can never hate on. There was plenty of talking about "gay" cinema, as I tried to feel a little more proper than my t-shirt and scuffed pumas allowed. For some reason, I always second-guess myself at these functions. Should I be a little more out there? Better primped? A little more aggressive in meeting people? A little bit more of a whore? I always hear that you have to network to get your foot in the door, but my foot is in already. So do I still have to be out there waving and saying, "Hi. How are you?" to every complete stranger? I don't want to feel like Jade in her doomed Cover Girl commercial. As I said to some guy last night upon answering him from the hip, "I like to keep it real. That's just me." And driving away from the hotel, I thought even more about how I have gotten the most ahead in my life when I have just surrendered trying so hard and have just been myself.

After all this, I went over to The Kitchen for some of my favorite cornbread that the lovely David always knows to bring me. Then it was over to Akbar, which has now become my favorite watering hole here in L.A. My favorite bartender, Sebastian, had his last night, and I popped in with some friends to say farewell. I told Sebastian how he was the only bartender in the city to ask me my name and memorize my drink, which is big points in this boy's tipping book. I guess I should be glad that he is the only bartender like that in the city, given that it exhibits that I am not some raging alcoholic known throughout the town as Ketel Soda Angel. Still, going where everybody knows your name when you do go out makes the whole experience a lot more comfortable and enjoyable.

Anyhow, the man made me a free lemondrop, which completely made my evening. I explained to my friends how in this song I had just heard for the first time that day, Superpop, Madonna rattles off what she thinks are the top of everything. Animal, lion. Actor, Brando. And drink, lemon drop. I had thought to myself, I should get a lemon drop because I have never had one. And here I was being handed one. I felt loved.

I know.

I mean, really.

It's a lemon drop.

I'm just a nerd like that. But a little serendipity makes all the difference sometimes. Especially after an earlier evening of questioning whether I should try being more like others to get ahead. I mean here, just being myself, got me a free drink. And Madge's favorite to boot. I think it just goes to show that even in a town as grand as Los Angeles, there is still perhaps a little room for a guy like me to make it all the way to the rooftop by just keeping it real.

At least I like to think so.

What about it?